Talk to Me
by eukaryote
Summary: The conversations Severus Snape had that you never got to read. Some conversations are with Harry, Lily, Dumbledore, James, and so on. Rated T for language. It's hard to pigeon-hole into genres because it is a little bit of everything. It is very pro-Lily/Severus, but I try to stick with canon. They won't end up together forever, anyway.
1. Parseltongue and Voldemort

_Hi guys... so I've been writing all this random stuff with Severus Snape in it. They're the conversations you never got to see. Well, not really because I don't have the license to say they ever took place in the Harry Potter world, but I imagine they might have. The first one's short because I don't think Snape and Harry could ever have a heart-felt conversation. Other scenes are longer. I'm trying to keep Severus Snape as in-character as possible throughout. We need more Snape. Haha it's 3 AM and caffeine is running through my veins. Enjoy._

_Note: I found 3 typos, so I fixed them from last night._

* * *

**November 1992**

The second-years were all scrambling to get their materials together and leave for the day. Severus Snape was watching three students out of the corner of his eye as he tried to focus on reading a piece of parchment. Potter was sitting in between Granger and Weasley. They were having a discussion in a hushed tone. Both Granger and Weasley were shaking their heads. Then Granger got up and hurried away. The room became quieter as the students shuffled out. Weasley was shaking his head and telling Potter not to do something, but Potter said, "I'll be fine. See you later. Don't wait for me."

Severus saw Potter stand and come toward him. Severus pretended to read the parchment. It was only after Potter was standing right in front of his desk did Severus speak.

"What do you want, Potter?" he said without looking up.

But Potter didn't answer. Severus looked up in irritation and made eye contact. The skinny twelve-year-old was cracking his knuckles as if he was wringing his hands out of nerves. Severus had never seen him do this before and he wondered what on earth kind of a request Potter was going to ask.

"Did -" Potter began in a small voice. "I mean, did Lord Voldemort speak Parseltongue too? Sir?"

"What?" Severus said flatly, completely taken off-guard.

"Voldemort. Did he speak Parseltongue?"

Severus was dumbfounded. Why on earth was Potter talking to him? Why didn't he go to Dumbledore? Both Severus and Potter had accepted that they hated each other long ago, so he couldn't understand why he would come to him about something like this. Potter didn't even like to ask a question that related to Potions and Severus liked it that way. In fact, Severus could not recall Potter _ever_ asking him a question _ever_. Yet here he was looking at Severus nervously with those green eyes waiting for an answer.

"Why are you asking me?" Severus said finally.

There was a flash of a small smile. "Er, well, you were in Slytherin, right? So I thought you'd know... I didn't know that speaking to snakes was rare, so... When I was at the zoo once, a snake told me it had never been to Brazil and I had no idea I was speaking some kind of creepy hissing language."

Severus just glared at him for a second. In other words, Severus would know because he was an evil Slytherin. _A snake told me it had never been to Brazil. My God, this boy is nuts._ Then he said, "Yes. The Dark Lord could speak to snakes."

Potter swallowed. There was shock etched on his face. His eyes started to fill with tears and he looked down. He looked utterly devastated. It bothered Severus to see Lily's green eyes full of tears, even if the rest of her son was a copy of James. But then Potter backed away and he looked as if he was going to turn around, but he stopped and stood still.

"How do you know?" Potter said.

"Because I was in Slytherin house," Severus replied with disdain.

Either Potter didn't get the humor or he chose to ignore it. He looked down at the ground, nodded, said a small, "Thank you," and left.

The problem with Harry Potter was that he was 99% James and 1% Lily. Severus hated the 99% part, but he would die for that 1%.

* * *

_If you leave a review, I hope you find $20 on the ground. Goodnight, friend. :)_


	2. The Slytherin and the Gryffindor

_Hi guys! Big shout out to **Red Furry Demon, Roque Amadi, **and **Truls Rohk** for the reviews! _

_Red Furry Demon - Thank you! Snape-Harry slash isn't my cup of tea either, so none of that, nor original characters. I like to stick with JK Rowling's world as best I can._

_Roque Amadi - I completely agree. I think just having to look at Harry eye-to-eye was probably very hard for him to do. Snape's not a perfect person, but I feel bad for him too. And the relationship that Snape did have with Harry was tragic in a way, because Harry was not at all who Snape thought he was, nor was Snape not at all who Harry thought he was. It could have been very different between them._

_Truls Rohk - Thanks! I recently watched a deleted scene from the first movie when Harry stands up to Snape when Snape was asking him those impossible potions questions. It was a very interesting scene because Snape gave Harry a look and then went and sat down right in front of him to give Harry the answers to those questions. You'll like this chapter, too, because Dumbledore has a private word with Severus here. _

_OK, now a couple notes:  
_

_1. If you're on Tumblr, you'll see I stole the idea of teachers discussing student pairings in the staff room. It just fit so nicely! _

_2. I do differ from canon a bit, but I try to do it in a way that is both believable and does not contradict canon in the end. I actually differ from canon with the idea that it will actually help to _support_ canon in the long run. You'll see why later._

_3. We were never told what Avery's, Wilkes', and Mulciber's first names are, so I did what JK Rowling would do. I used name meanings to create their first names. Since Snape was friends with Avery, Wilkes, Mulciber, and Rosier, I think he would think of them on a first-name basis.  
_

_4. This is where the story has to be rated T because the Slytherins have filthy mouths. _

* * *

**February 1977**

Severus Snape was standing in front of his headmaster and Professor McGonagall. He was seventeen years old in his sixth year and right now, his lip was hurting. That's because his follow Slytherin Evan Rosier, who was currently standing on Severus' left, had punched him in the face and split his lip, but not before Severus had broken Evan's nose. Both of the injuries had been mended, but that did not completely take away the soreness. To Severus' right was Lily Evans, shaken, but unscathed.

As McGonagall told Dumbledore (very angrily) what she had seen in front of the Gryffindor portrait that lead into the Gryffindor Common Room, Severus noticed that Dumbledore was watching him the most.

"- and it was Miss Evans' shouting that I heard," McGonagall was ranting, "I went outside to investigate and Mr. Snape was on top of Mr. Rosier beating him up with his fists like an absolute savage - I had to stun them both! Absolutely disgraceful! I think we would all like to hear exactly what Evan Rosier did to incite such a brutal attack. Mr. Snape looked like he was going to kill him with his bare hands."

Severus examined his fingernails and did not say anything.

"You just wait until Professor Slughorn hears about this tomorrow morning," McGonagall went on when Severus did not say anything. "You're looking at expulsion."

"It's not his fault!" Lily blurted out. "Rosier and some of the other Slytherins cornered me and were threatening me, saying awful things to me about how Voldemort was going to get me and that - and that - and then Rosier grabbed me by the throat and the next thing I knew Severus was on top of him and the other Slytherins all ran off. Severus wasn't the instigator; it just _looked_ like he was."

McGonagall looked between the three students. When neither Severus nor Evan said anything, Dumbledore said, "Is that true, Severus?"

Severus just looked at the floor.

"Mr. Snape and Mr. Rosier, you both will be serving detentions every day next week, including Saturday and Sunday," Dumbledore was saying. "I will give you the details at another time. Professor McGonagall, if you could escort Miss Evans back to the Gryffindor Common Room. Yes, thank you. Mr. Rosier, you are dismissed. You though, Severus - I would like for you to stay a while longer."

Severus took in a deep breath and let it out. He didn't want to stay and talk. He had never had a proper conversation with Dumbledore before. Once in first year, he had ran into Dumbledore by accident when he was chasing after Lily and he had talked to Dumbledore for less than a minute then, but that was it. Lily gave Severus a small smile and then made her way for the door. The door closed again. It was just Severus and Dumbledore.

Dumbledore peered up at Severus from his desk. "You and Miss Evans have quite the background, Severus. With Lord Voldemort dividing the houses, I'm surprised a Slytherin and a Gryffindor can still be friends."

Severus did not understand why Dumbledore was telling him this or where he was going with it. "Yes, sir. That's partly why she was targeted. The other Slytherins... they don't like her. They say horrible things about her."

"You and Lily seemed to have been friends before you were even Sorted."

Severus' mind was filled with memories. "Since we were nine. Before Hogwarts. Before Voldemort."

Dumbledore continued to peer at him. Severus felt as if Dumbledore was prying into his mind, so he started to apply Occlumency and build up a shield.

"You have a natural ability in Occlumency, Severus," Dumbledore said after a moment. "You are trying to block me out, but you still have a lot to learn. Some of your thoughts are bleeding through."

Severus broke eye contact and stared at the wall to his left.

"You see. You know eye contact is crucial," Dumbledore said with a chuckle. "Occlumency is not taught at Hogwarts, so you must have taught yourself. It is a very difficult thing to master without a teacher. You have done well and I think you should work to continue to develop that craft. It might be useful to you in the future. However, I couldn't help but notice the fact that you and Miss Evans are in a romantic relationship."

Severus turned red, but continued to stare at the wall. Nobody knew except for himself and Lily. If it got out, both the Gryffindors and the Slytherins would be relentless. They already were. Lily was constantly defending him from Potter's gang and Severus was constantly defending her from the Slytherins who had already pledged themselves to Voldemort when they turned seventeen. Severus did not want to imagine what they would do if they knew.

"I haven't heard that in any school gossip," Dumbledore continued. "It must be a secret. Very interesting."

"Why does it matter to you?" Severus snapped at the wall. "You seem overly interested."

"The professors like to gossip. Student pairings are actually one of the most popular discussions in the staff room. A couple years ago, Professor McGonagall received a letter from a former student. You see, Professor McGonagall thought that two students were nice together, so she made them partners on a project. They ended up getting married. The former student sent her a letter saying thank you for placing her with her husband. Yes, Severus, it interests me to a great deal."

Severus looked back at Dumbledore with dislike. "Can I please leave now?"

"Yes, in a minute. Now, officially, you will be serving detentions with Professor Slughorn every day next week at 7:00 PM sharp, but unofficially, you do not have to actually go. Just do not let anyone know that I let you off the hook, because that would be showing favoritism... Just disappear for a couple hours every night so the other Slytherins think you are in detention. Can you do that, Severus? You seem to already be disappearing with Miss Evans every night somewhere, so -"

"Stop prying into my mind! It's none of your business!"

But Dumbledore only smiled. "Enjoy the rest of your night, Mr. Snape."

Severus stormed out of Dumbledore's office and back to the Slytherin Common Room with his wand out. If the Slytherins were going to turn against him, it would be tonight when he got there. But when he entered the common room, he knew straightaway that they weren't about to attack him.

Cyneric Avery, Evan Rosier, Dunstan Wilkes, and Garrick Mulciber were sitting up late, waiting for him - his Slytherin "friends."

"It's okay, Snape," Evan said with a smirk. "I won't hold you responsible. None of us will."

"Yeah, man," Cyneric chimed in, "we temporarily forgot she was your fuck toy. Our mistake."

Severus bit down and didn't say anything.

"Well, we hope that you're at least fucking her," Evan went on. "I mean, yeah, she's a filthy mudblood, but she might as well have her legs spread until the Dark Lord gets her -"

"I swear to God, Evan, I will bash your fucking brains in," Severus said with venom as some sparks flew from his wand. "And next time McGonagall won't be there to save you. I've been wanting to test out some of my new curses on someone."

But the four of them only laughed and Severus hated them with all his might as he thundered down to his bed. It wasn't true, what they were saying, about he and Lily sleeping together, but he still hated it when they said it. In truth, they knew nothing about Severus and Lily. The Slytherins thought their friendship was superficial and that Severus only hung out with her because he was attracted to her. And Severus hated it because he knew telling them that he genuinely loved her would mean certain death for both himself and Lily, so he had to go along with their accusations. Severus would be shunned from Slytherin house if they knew the truth and being an outcast Slytherin during the rise of Lord Voldemort would be very dangerous business indeed.

* * *

_I love reviews! Next conversation is between Snape and Lily._


	3. She Was a Bit of a Catch

_Okay so, this is two different snippets. I tied looking up British slang, but I didn't want to put anything offensive in here. I'm an American, so I'm not sure if people from the UK use all of these words. If no, let me know, and I can change it to the right terms.  
_

**_Roque Amadi -_**_ Yes, I do think Snape comes across as a Gryffindor a lot, but I also think he has Slytherin qualities... I'm a fan of the idea that Snape was pressured into becoming a Death Eater, but truth is, he also willingly joined out of self-preservation. If he had not been in Slytherin, I do not think he would have joined Voldemort, but he did not readily stand up against Voldemort either. Had Snape joined Voldemort and then immediately become a spy for Dumbledore, I think Lily would have ended up with him. But because he did not fight for the good side on his own accord, Lily went for James (who did join the Order on his own). It took Lily's life being in danger for Snape to risk his own life... which is tragic in itself. If he had just become a spy earlier, I think things between him and Lily would have happened very differently. _

**_Red Furry Demon_**_ -__ I agree, if Snape had been in a different House, none of it would have happened. So many of the Slytherins pledged themselves to Voldemort and I'm sure they would have pressured the others to do so as well. So when a Slytherin hangs out with an attractive Gryffindor, this stands out way more than it would if Severus was in any other House. I think that Dumbledore would've been a huge Snape/Lily shipper personally, because of the fact Snape was in Slytherin. I think Dumbledore would be very interested in seeing the power of love go against the rest of the Slytherin house and Voldemort. And the fact that Dumbledore knows they're together in secret is planting seeds that will come to fruition later..._

* * *

_Emerson: Was James the only one who had romantic feelings for Lily?_

_JK Rowling: No. She was like Ginny; she was a popular girl. [...] She was a bit of a catch._

_Melissa: Snape?_

_JK Rowling: That's a theory that's been put to me repeatedly._

_- July 16, 2005_

* * *

**September 1976**

Severus was sitting in the forbidden forest. It was pitch black. There was no moon. Lily had her wand illuminated and she was pouring through their Potions textbook.

"Absolutely a waste of resources," she was saying. "There is absolutely no point for us to learn this ridiculous potion."

"You mean you're worried it's too hard?" he said with a twisted smile.

"Maybe a little challenging," she said, "but not too hard. It's just there's no point to it."

"It's supposed to be an antidote to save people from poison."

"There already is an antidote that can save people from most poisons," she said. "Hence why there's no reason for this potion."

"What -?"

"A bezoar, Sev! All you have to do is get a bezoar."

"And shove it down their throats..."

"Exactly. No potion time necessary."

He just sat there for a moment. "That's brilliant."

"I try."

"You should do that with Slughorn tomorrow. Just don't do the potion at all and hold out a bezoar."

"I'm not that arrogant."

"Yeah, but Slughorn loves you. Everybody loves you. You could attempt to murder Slughorn with an axe and he would still laugh and rave about you."

"I'm fairly certain all the other Slytherins don't love me."

That wiped the smile from his face. "Don't mind them. They don't matter, Lily."

* * *

**October 1974**

Lily was usually one of the first people in class for Potions, but she was not there. There were only two minutes before class was set to begin. Severus sat down where he normally sat beside her and wondered if she was sick.

Severus felt a piece of rolled up parchment hit the back of his head. He turned around with annoyance to see that it was, of course, Potter that had thrown it.

"Snivellus," Potter hissed. "Where's Evans?"

That was when Severus knew that something was wrong. "You haven't seen her?"

"If I had I wouldn't be _asking_ you, Snivellus. What did you do to her?"

"Shut up, James," Evelyn Rice shot at him from two rows away from Potter. "Sniv - I mean, Severus - hasn't done anything to her. Jacob broke up with her last night."

Potter looked elated. "Really? Well, praise the Lord!"

"It's not funny, James, she was crying all night -"

That started an argument between Potter and Rice. Severus gathered his books and slipped out before Potter could notice him leaving. Nobody saw him leave, thankfully, because he knew that Potter would have stopped him had he noticed. Severus had an idea of where she might be. If she was in the Gryffindor Common Room, however, he would be out of luck.

Severus carefully walked through the halls and to the outside. It was chilly already and Severus knew that he and Lily would be unable to go over to their spot by the lake soon because the grounds would be full of snow. But he saw her. She was leaning against the tree. His feet rustled the leaves and she turned to see him. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were red. She looked tired and cold.

Severus sat down wordlessly beside her. She didn't say anything. He waited for her to speak, but she didn't.

After a few minutes of silence, Severus said, "I was going to hex Potter with this new spell I learned, but I ran into Jacob Stevens instead this morning."

Lily chuckled. "No, you didn't. But thanks... He broke up with me."

"Yeah, I know. Well, he's a prat. For a Ravenclaw, he's pretty fucking dumb."

"He decided he liked someone else better than me. She's probably a lot smarter than me, Sev. She's in Ravenclaw," she said.

"Maybe he's actually, you know, gay," Severus said.

"Don't be ridiculous. Jacob isn't homosexual."

"Lily, no offense, but each and every teenage boy in the damn school knows you're quite the catch. No heterosexual boy is going to break up with you."

Lily smiled, but then she said, "You're not making me feel better, if that's what you're trying to do."

"No, I'm serious," Severus said, even though he wasn't. "Maybe you were like a test. Maybe he didn't know which direction his compass points, so he said to himself, 'I'll date the prettiest girl in school for a few weeks, and if she doesn't turn me on, I'll have to go after blokes then.'"

Lily gave a weak laugh. "That's an interesting theory... So I'm quite the catch, Sev?"

He smiled. "Okay, yeah, you caught me. I'm straight and you are attractive, even though you're a Gryffindor."

Lily blushed a bit and it made Severus' heart leap, because he knew she was blushing because of _him_.

"Thanks, Sev," she said. "Even though what you're saying is absolute rubbish."

* * *

_Next chapter is a conversation between Snape and James Potter. Please review! _


	4. Mutual Hatred

_Hello everyone! It's the weekend and guess who has to work practically all weekend long, day and night... yeah, me. Oh and I also have a 10-12 page paper due, but that won't stop me from writing fanfiction. I am loving all of your reviews, follows, and favorites that you have given this story.  
_

**_Jasmin Audra _**_- Hi! James and Severus are in this one. I hope it lives up to your anticipation. This is a conversation I really do think took place between Severus and James (let's just pretend Harry Potter is totally real here). I definitely think James cornered him like this one day after Snape joined the Order, based off of a quote I read from JK Rowling, which I've included below. __  
_

**_May_**_- Thank you! It's good to know someone likes my writing :)_

**_Red Furry__ Demon_**- _Thanks! If that line made you laugh, Severus has achieved his goal of making the listener (Lily) laugh. He tries to cheer her up so much in this chapter. It's a side of him only Lily knows. As for whether or not he is a virgin till the end of his life... haha, we will see! I'm sure he'd agree with you it looks that way at this point._

**_Roque Amadi_**_- I have a hard time liking James too. I think he was a bratty bully as a kid, but he grew up to be a very honorable man. It reminds me almost of Dudley. Dudley was a crappy person as a kid, but when we see him at 17, he shakes Harry's hand and thanks him like a good man... Yes, James turned out to be a courageous person who died trying to protect his wife and son, but he was definitely a bully as a kid and - here at 14 years old - he is selfish. He only wants Lily for himself and isn't thinking about her happiness. _

* * *

_**Rachel Nell**: I would like to know how come no one seemed to know that Lily and Snape were friends in school. They were obviously meeting for chats, etc. Didn't James know their past?  
_

_**JK Rowling**: Yes, it was widely known they were friendly and then stopped being friends. Nothing more than that would be widely known. James always suspected Snape harbored deeper feelings for Lily, which was a factor in James' behavior for Snape. _

_- Webchat with J.K. Rowling, July 30, 2007_

* * *

**April 1975**

"What the fuck!" Evan Rosier exclaimed. He grabbed his torn pillows with fluff coming out of all of them. He looked over at Severus, who was sitting on his bed reading.

"Sorry," Severus said. "I was practicing a spell I invented. It works."

Evan ran his hand over his two pillows. Both had two large slash marks on them. "What is it?" he asked eagerly.

Severus scoffed. "I'm not telling you. It's not _Avada Kedavra_, but it's a lot more devastating than _Stupefy_. I still have to get the counter curse right first though."

"You going to use it on Potter?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus said. "Do you see the size of those cuts? I don't hate him enough to try to kill him."

"Well, why did you have to use my pillows?" Evan snapped, evidently irritated by Severus' refusal to tell him the curse or use it on James Potter. "I'm taking yours then."

Evan made a move for Severus' pillows.

Severus stuck his arm out to stop him and raised his eyebrows. "Well, actually, I suppose I could start testing it out. The wounds won't close with normal magic, I've made sure of that, but my counter curse might work fine..."

Evan stepped back. "Fine," he spat. "I guess I wouldn't want your slimy shit anyway."

* * *

**September 1980**

Severus' mind was racing as he made his way for the door. Everything now depended on his abilities in Occlumency. Would he pretend to be a spy for Voldemort while he was really being a spy for the Order or was that too risky? Or was it more risky to not tell Voldemort he was conversing on a regular basis with Albus Dumbledore? If Voldemort got any inkling that Severus was in contact with Dumbledore, Severus would be tortured for information and then killed. But if he told Voldemort that he wanted to be a spy, he might live. Dumbledore said -

Out of nowhere, James Potter stepped in front of the door.

Severus almost jumped. "What?" he said roughly.

Potter looked furious. He held up a finger and started shaking it in Severus' face as he said, "Don't think I don't know what you're doing, Snivellus. I know you don't want to see Voldemort die out of the goodness of your heart."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Potter, I have no idea what kind of delusional fantasy is going on in the bird brain of yours, but I have important things to do."

"Well, I know what's going on in yours," Potter hissed. "I know you have a little crush on her and you want to come in here like the hero that you're not and gain her sympathy and admiration, but it's not happening. She married me. I won. Sirius always told me that you don't fancy her, but I think you and I both know the truth. You are not going to go anywhere near her. Don't even look at her. I don't know what she sees in you, but it's over. You've lost and you're not going to be coming here making her all confused -"

"_Confused?_" Severus sneered, amused. "I have no idea what you're talking about. It sounds like you and Lily are having marital problems. It seems like you have reason to believe Lily regrets choosing you."

"We are not having marital problems," Potter thundered. "And she would still stick with her decision to choose me over you, even though you've come in looking like a hero, and now I know I was always right about you because you haven't denied anything I'm saying about your feelings for her."

All of a sudden, Severus' amusement was gone. "She was my friend and I don't like what the Dark Lord has been doing -"

"_Friends?_ Give me a fucking break, Snape!" Potter snapped, looking quite deranged. "You decided to make your fucking patronus a doe in seventh year after you saw hers was a doe -"

"You don't _choose_ your patronus animal, you insufferable -"

"_You found a way to do that on purpose - I know you did!_ You didn't like that my patronus was a stag, and then her patronus was a doe - you had to one up it because of your little infatuation - don't deny it!"

"You have no idea," Severus said in a soft and dangerous voice, "what you are talking about. Absolutely no idea of the extent."

"Extent of what?" Potter spat.

Severus' heart was thumping hard in his chest as he tried to think of the thing that would make Potter the most angry.

"Enough," said a voice to the right of them. Albus Dumbledore was standing three feet from them down a perpendicular hallway.

Severus swallowed and looked at the ground.

"Enough," Dumbledore said again. "James, I'm surprised at you. I told you that Death Eaters have already raided your house - the one you can now never return to... If Severus here had not come to me when he did, you and Lily and Harry would have been in that house. You all would have been killed."

Potter looked flustered. "Lily and Harry are my life and I know that, but -"

"You all aren't teenagers anymore," Dumbledore said, looking closely at Potter. "Let it go. It is time you all be mature adults. This is about saving lives, especially Harry's. You are still calling each other by names you used when you were eleven!"

"And by _you_ he means you and Black," Severus sneered.

Dumbledore gave Severus a piercing look and Severus looked at the floor again, his heart still pounding.

"If you truly care about saving your family, James, you will listen to me," Dumbledore said. "You don't have to deal with Severus personally. I will. You both need to remember why you have joined the Order. Voldemort is your enemy, not each other."

But Severus could have easier killed Voldemort himself than not hate James Potter.

* * *

_I'm not sure which conversation(s) I'll do next because what I have don't fit together as nicely. I am thinking it will be conversations taking place in Severus' first year at Hogwarts, but don't hold me to it. :)_


	5. Murder-Suicide

_Hi everyone! I hope you all enjoy this chapter... I wrote it up just tonight after work, so I hope there isn't any typos. I personally prefer the good Severus, the one that was fighting against Voldemort, but in truth, there is something dark about him as well. He isn't whole. He's pretty damaged on the inside. I hope this chapter shows this a little bit. Severus isn't at his darkest in this chapter, that's for later, but he is definitely hurting. I just want to make him some hot chocolate. _

**_Red Furry Demon_**_- Thanks! I try to keep everyone as in-character as possible because JK Rowling is queen and they are all perfect the way they are. But that's also hard for me to do with Severus Snape too. It's so tempting to just make him too nice, so I settle for him being nice only to Lily. When he's around James Potter or Harry Potter, he's negative, sneers, makes cheap shots, etc. Yes, the spell was Sectumsepmra! That's the darker side of Snape. And we know Snape chooses option C, poor guy. _

* * *

_Harry did not speak; he felt that to say anything might be dangerous. He was sure he had just broken into Snape's memories, that he had just seen scenes from Snape's childhood, and it was unnerving to think that the crying little boy who had watched his parents shouting was actually standing in front of him with such loathing eyes..._

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, chapter 26.

* * *

**March 1977**

"Severus?" Professor Slughorn called.

Severus looked up from his potion textbook to see Slughorn looking at him with a worried look on his face. "Severus, Professor Dumbledore would like to speak with you. No, take your things. You won't be coming back today." Slughorn walked over to Severus. "The password's sherbet lemon," he whispered. "Don't worry, I'm sure everything is fine."

Severus glanced at Lily.

"What'd you do?" she muttered.

"Nothing. I'll see you..." he noticed Potter was watching him so closely it seemed he was trying to read his lips. "... later," Severus finished lamely. He got up, gathered his things, and left without another word.

As Severus walked to Dumbledore's office, he wondered why on earth he was being called there. He had not had a run-in with any of the other Slytherins since he had last spoken to Dumbledore. Severus did not particularly like the idea of facing Dumbledore again, not now that he knew he and Lily were together.

"Sherbet lemon," he said to the statue.

Upon seeing Dumbledore, Severus knew immediately that something was very wrong. Dumbledore was sitting behind his desk with a troubled look on his face. There was a man that Severus didn't recognize standing beside Dumbledore's desk.

"Severus," Dumbledore said, "Please sit down. This gentleman here is named Ian Atwood. He works for Magical Law Enforcement at the Ministry. It's his job to work with the muggle side of law enforcement."

Severus didn't move.

"Please sit, Severus," Dumbledore requested again.

"I'd rather stand."

Dumbledore sighed and crossed his fingers. He was silent for several seconds. "I'm sorry, Severus. There's no easy way to say this... your mother has -"

"Been killed," Severus interrupted. "By my father."

Dumbledore looked shocked. Severus looked at Ian Atwood, who quickly averted his gaze to the ground. This told Severus that he had guessed right.

"So did my father kill himself afterward too or -?"

Dumbledore bowed his head and said, "Yes. Muggle authorities haven't closed the case yet, but they definitely do think it was a murder-suicide. I'm so sorry, Severus... I can't imagine what you're thinking or feeling right now."

Severus swallowed and looked at the floor. He knew what he should be feeling. He should be crying uncontrollably. He should feel appalled. He should feel denial. He should be begging Dumbledore to take it all back and lie to him. But all he felt was a sense of sadness, yes, but more so a relief. He looked up at Dumbledore again and saw him watching him sadly.

"I lost my family," Dumbledore said, "very young. My father died in Azkaban when I was thirteen. My sister accidentally killed my mother when I was seventeen. And then my sister was killed too a few months later by someone I thought was my friend."

Severus shook his head, not wanting to think or feel anymore. "He can't hurt her now. And I'm of age. I can take care of myself. He can't hurt her. That's what matters now." He felt his eyes begin to water. "He finally had the compassion to just end it all. She's free."

Dumbledore was watching him closely and Severus knew that he was prying into his mind and seeing flashes of his father abusing his mother, so Severus turned around and walked away.

"Severus -"

"It's fine."

Severus walked through the castle. His feet kept putting him forward with no known destination, but he could not feel them working. He didn't care if anyone tried to stop him to ask him why he wasn't in class, but he ran into no one. Then classes were dismissed for the day and everyone was pushing around, talking, laughing, but no one noticed Severus. He walked out toward the Forbidden Forest and realized he had walked straight to Lily. She was sitting against the tree she usually leaned against, reading a book.

Lily turned her head and looked at him. "Sev, what did Professor Dumbledore want?"

He sat down beside her wordlessly.

She studied his face. "Did the other Slytherins do something?"

Severus shook his head. "No. It was about my parents."

"What about them?" she asked delicately.

"They're dead," he said, without looking at her.

The book fell out of Lily's hands and she leaned over and grabbed him as if her life depended on it. "Sev!"

Severus put his arms around her and put his lips on her hair. He closed his eyes and focused on the scent of her lavender shampoo or perfume or whatever the hell it was that girls used to smell like flowers. Then she sniffed and Severus realized she was crying.

"You don't need to cry for my bloody parents," he said.

She sniffed again and said, "Did they get in a car accident or what happened?"

He sighed and she pulled away so she could look at him. "No. He killed her and then he killed himself. I don't know the details. I don't want to know the details."

She looked horrified. "Severus -"

"It's a shame," he said bitterly. "My father could have been a good tester for _Sectumsempra_."

"What's _Sectum_-?"

"Never mind. It's nothing."

She brushed some hair from his eyes. "How do you feel?"

"Well, that's the problem," Severus said. "I don't feel all that much. I feel sad, but I feel more relieved than anything. I hated him. He always hurt her. All the time, every damn day. Slapping, punching, shaking, kicking, just about anything. And I hated her too. She never raised her wand to stop him."

Severus stared not into Lily's eyes, but at something safer - her chin. His vision went blurry. "She could have stunned him," he went on. "She could have at least threatened him with her wand. But she never stood up to him. Not for me. Not even for herself. She just... took it all. She let him hurt me too. You remember all the times you'd meet me and I'd have a cut on my lip or a black eye. They both got what they deserved in the end. And now he can't hurt her anymore. He can't hurt anyone. It's over. She has been set free, but I'm still here with all the scars."

He made eye contact with her green eyes again and they were full of tears. She put her arms around him again and he held her close.

* * *

_Oh man I haven't been good to Severus in this chapter..._


	6. Veritaserum

_The problem I have with the whole Severus/Lily thing is that the characters don't always cooperate. I don't like the idea that Severus only loved Lily from afar and never even kissed her; I don't know, that doesn't sit well with me. However, I also can't imagine Snape ever ever ever telling Lily about his feelings or making a move on her. Nah, Snape is one to just sit on his feelings forever and not say a word because he's too insecure to do so.  
_

_**Guest** - Thank you :). Snape is definitely a complicated man. I do think he would have turned out very differently if his parents weren't who they were. Harry was able to be a good kid despite his neglect, but not everyone can rise above abuse/neglect that took place in their childhood. Severus definitely was on the wrong path for a long time. _

**_Red Furry Demon_**_- That is a good idea! Very dark, but good. If Snape killed his father, that would be very dramatic, yet in-character, indeed. We don't know what happened to Snape's parents, but we do know he lives in his old house in Spinner's End, so either his parents moved or died. I'm for they died. Snape's father was definitely a horrible influence on Severus. I think his father is the reason why Snape got so into the Dark Arts. When Snape was little and watching his father yell at his mother, there was nothing Snape could do about it. Dark Magic was like a form of control for him I think, control that he didn't have when he was little. :(_

* * *

_"Do you know what this is, Potter?" Snape said, his eyes glittering dangerously again._

_"No," said Harry, with complete honesty this time. _

_"It is Veritaserum - a Truth Potion so powerful that three drops would have you spilling out your innermost secrets for this entire class to hear," said Snape viciously. "Now, the use of this potion is controlled by very strict Ministry guidelines. But unless you watch your step, you might just find that my hand slips" - he shook the crystal bottle slightly - "right over your evening pumpkin juice. And then, Potter... then we'll find out whether or not you've been in my office or not."_

_- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, chapter twenty-seven_

* * *

**October 1976**

It was getting way too cold for this now. As Severus trekked his route to the Forbidden Forest, he was shivering. The leaves were all falling down around him. Time was going by far too quickly this year. It seemed like term had started just yesterday, when really, over a month had gone by. Soon they weren't going to be able to do this.

Lily was sitting leaning against the tree with her potions book in her hands. She looked up and smiled at him.

"Hi," she said. "Here - I've got hot chocolate. It's still warm." She handed him a warm cup and her eyes were glittering strangely.

"Thanks," he said. He took it and she was watching him closely. When she didn't look away, he said, "What?"

"Nothing," she said. "Hey, Sev, I think I might have done something that'll make you mad."

"What is it?" he said after taking a sip.

"Erm..." she began. Severus suddenly felt very strange, like a veil of confusion had just fallen over him. "That," she said. "I'm sorry, Sev, but I brewed up a little potion for you. I hope you'll forgive me after it wears off."

"I'd always forgive you," he felt himself saying. Panic gripped him. He hadn't really meant to say that. What he wanted to say was _What the fuck are you talking about, Lily?_ What he said was true but those weren't his willing words...

"I only have a couple questions for you and then I'll leave you be," she was saying. "It should wear off within an hour. I'll ask you my questions and then we can just sit here in silence. Once it wears off, you can kill me, if you want."

"I'd never kill you," he said in a deadpan voice that didn't sound like himself.

"Aw, thanks, Sev."

She put her own hot chocolate down carefully and Severus silently panicked. _Veritaserum_, he thought. _The girl bloody slipped me Veritaserum._ His mind went blank. He wasn't thinking clearly.

She looked up at him and said, "Do you have feelings for me that is greater than friendship?"

Well, that's being very forward. He felt himself say, "Yes, I have for years."

She nodded. "Do you want to go out with me but you're too afraid to ask me?"

"Yes, I do, but I've always been too scared to tell you how I feel," he said in that same emotionless voice.

She looked at her hands and said, "Okay. Thanks, Sev. I'll let you be now."

His life was over. He couldn't think clearly and he didn't have the power to concentrate on an action plan of what he should do, but he knew his life was over. He tried to speak, but couldn't. Without Lily prompting him into speech, he couldn't say anything. He wanted to die or run, but he couldn't do either. So he just sat there and put his face in his hands. He stayed in that position until the blood left his fingers and he had to put his hands down to get feeling back in them. He wanted to get up and run away, but he couldn't muster the energy to do so. Lily just sat reading her book in silence as the sun began to set.

Severus knew right away when the potion wore off. The veil lifted and he could think clearly again. He looked up at Lily.

"Better?" she said.

"_Better?_" he shrieked, jumping to his feet. "_You fucking slipped me Veritaserum and used it to get me to answer questions against my will!_"

Lily stood up calmly.

"You know that's _illegal_, right?" he continued to shout. "You know, you could've gotten the potion wrong and poisoned me! You have completely invaded my privacy and my trust for you is nonexistent now - what kind of a friend _are_ you? I have never been more humiliated in all my life! _How could you do this to me_, Lily?"

But then Lily did something he was not expecting. She put her arms around him and kissed him on the mouth. Severus' mind went blank again. All he could think about was the feel of her lips against his. Delirious, Severus wrapped his arms around her as well and kissed her back. Time was warped and he didn't know how long this lasted before Lily pulled back.

"Remember," she said hoarsely, "what I asked you at the start of term?"

"What?" he said, dazed.

"I asked you why you've never had a girlfriend," she said. "That's something called a hint, Severus. Remember what you told me? You said... 'Because healers can cure blindness.'"

"Yeah, I remember."

"That's a pretty insecure thing to say. Now ask yourself... honestly, would you ever have told me? Would you ever even try to make a move on me?"

"N-"

"Then you're welcome," she said.

"The other Slytherins," he muttered. "They're going to join You-Know-Who. They want me to join. You're a muggle-born. You're already high on their list of people to kill. If they find out we're together - and Potter's gang will be relentless -"

She shook her head. "Nobody has to know. And anyway, the other Slytherins already hate me and the Gryffindors hate you too. But nobody has to know. They all know we've been friends since the start. It won't be weird me sitting beside you in the classes we have together because we already do."

Severus considered this in silence. Lily closed her eyes and rested her head in the crook of his neck. He had no idea how he could even do this.

* * *

_Good thing Lily is skilled in Potions! Please review guys :)_


	7. The Spy

_Okay, okay, it's time for Severus to come down off of cloud 9 and come back to canon. We know what's going to happen. _

**_Red Panda_ - **_Thanks! That's a good thing, right? :) _

_**Guest - **Crazy for Severus to mess up his tenses like that. I've since corrected him! Thank for you knowing though, by the way; I don't want things to be messed up.  
_

_**Steve** - Thank you! _

_**LM Ryder the Batty Bat - **That sounds interesting! There's a lot of really bad things that could have happened to Snape's parents. It could make for a really good fanfic, though it would be pretty dark. I can just imagine his dad killing his mother, because the guy was abusive, and that is what sometimes happens with abusive couples..._

_**Red Furry Demon** - Lily was a pretty badass girl. She hung out with a Slytherin and she defied Voldemort three times. A lot of the times, people like to paint her as really innocent and everything. I say she was a bit of a daredevil, myself! And, she had the talent and ability to make Veritaserum. It isn't here because they're all from Severus' point of view, but I say that Lily talked with her friends on the train home fifth year about Severus, they tell her he fancies her, she decides to forgive him over the summer, and then she sets about making the potion at the beginning of sixth year, because it takes about a month to make. She's known him for too long to believe he'd every admit anything to her on his own accord!_

* * *

_"That is just as well, Potter," said Snape coldly, "because you are neither special nor important, and it is not up to you to find out what the Dark Lord is saying to his Death Easters."  
_

_"No - that's your job, isn't it?" Harry shot at him. _

_He had not meant to say it; it had burst out of him in temper. For a long moment they stared at each other, Harry convinced he had gone too far. But there was a curious, almost satisfied expression on Snape's face when he answered. _

_"Yes, Potter," he said, his eyes glinting. "That is my job."_

- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Chapter twenty-six

* * *

**September 1980**

The meeting was to begin at five sharp. No one was allowed to get there early or late. That was because Dumbledore needed the time to take Severus to headquarters and tell him the plan of action.

"You'll stay out here until I have had time to talk with them all," Dumbledore was telling him. "And then, Severus, I'll come get you."

"What do you want me to do, sir?" Severus asked, feeling uneasy.

"Severus, you're twenty years old. You don't need to call me 'sir.' First names will do. And you are going to explain everything you know about Voldemort's plan to kill Harry Potter -"

"Oh no, I can't -"

"You said 'anything.'"

Severus swallowed. "What are you going to do to protect them?"

"Well, unfortunately, I will not be sharing that information with you, Severus."

Severus felt put-out, even though he understood Dumbledore's reasoning. "So you don't trust me?"

"On the contrary," Dumbledore said seriously, peering at him from above his glasses. "I do. I do trust you. However, I know James will certainly not. Therefore, I have to respect his future skepticism. It is his family that is in danger, after all. No, Severus, I remember you in school. I remember looking into your mind, despite your inexperienced abilities to shut me out. I believe you are indeed trying to save Lily's life because you love her. Most definitely. You may have made grave mistakes, but you are motivated by the highest of reasons... You have truly mastered Occlumency now, though, Severus. You'll need that if you are going to fool Lord Voldemort -"

"I know the risks."

"Hmm," Dumbledore muttered as he looked around the room. "Yes, I know. Now you will remain behind these doors" - he indicated the door behind Severus - "until I come get you. It will be a shock for everyone. I instructed them to not arrive and go through that entrance. Lily and James and Harry have been at Sirius' house. I tipped them off to leave their home immediately with Harry and not take anything with them. They'll be very interested to know why."

"Great," Severus mumbled.

"They'll start getting here in a few minutes. Go on, Severus, through the door."

And so, with his heart thumping, Severus went to his hiding spot. As he heard the other Order members arrive and sit at the gigantic table, Severus reminded himself why he was doing this. He didn't want to face Lily. Potter was fine, Black was fine, but not Lily. He had become what he always swore to her he would never be. The Dark Mark was never going to go away. Lily was never going to forgive him. Her last name was Potter now. And everything was Severus' fault. All of it.

A hush fell over the room and Severus heard Dumbledore speak.

"I know," Dumbledore said, "That you are all wondering why I gave you such peculiar instructions regarding this meeting, especially James and Lily... I can announce that we now have a spy."

There was some muttering at this.

"A Death Eater?" Severus heard his old teacher, Minerva McGonagall, say.

"A former Death Eater," Dumbledore corrected. "He has come to me willingly, on his own accord. And he brought with him information. Unfortunately, the information he has brought with him is not good news. However, thanks to him, we now have an advantage over Lord Voldemort. We are now one step ahead of him. He is someone most of you will remember from Hogwarts."

Severus could hear Dumbledore was walking toward him. Everyone in the room was completely silent.

"I am going to ask you all to give your utmost respect."

Severus squeezed his eyes shut as a wave of dread washed over him. Dumbledore opened the door and motioned for him to walk in. So, with a hammering heart, Severus walked into the room full of people that recognized him.

Severus heard Lily gasp and Potter immediately began to protest.

"No way!" Potter was shouting. Severus looked at him and saw he was holding a baby. "No bloody way is Snivellus -"

"He's not a spy for us," Black shouted. "He's a spy for fucking -"

"Sirius, Harry's in the room," Potter shouted at his friend.

"Sorry, mate, there's no way Snape is a spy for us; he's a spy for Voldemort!"

Severus didn't answer them. The only chair that was open was the one that was directly across from Lily and Potter. He knew Dumbledore did this on purpose. He lowered himself into the seat and kept his eyes on Dumbledore rather than Lily or Potter.

"Fortunately," Dumbledore told Potter sternly, "I was not born yesterday. Don't think I am not cautious about this, James. Severus is not going to be given any information that can truly be used against us. But he has brought to me - and you - information that will probably save your lives. Severus, go on, tell us all what you know."

Severus looked at the water glass that was sitting in front of him and told it, "The Dark Lord is no longer focusing on killing muggle-borns and Albus Dumbledore. He has a new target. A prophecy was made; I don't know its full contents and neither does the Dark Lord, but... He thinks the prophecy was made about Harry Potter."

Severus regrettably looked up at Lily and Potter and saw Potter looked stunned. Lily's face was white as a sheet. The dark-haired baby called Harry Potter remained asleep, completely oblivious that this meeting was all for him, and Severus felt jealous of him.

"Why?" Lily finally asked.

Severus spoke to the water glass again. "The prophecy stated that only one person has the power to vanquish the Dark Lord. That person, he believes, is Harry Potter. If he could choose between killing Dumbledore versus killing Harry Potter, he would choose Harry Potter. Actually, the prophecy could have also been referring to your son, Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom," he said, looking at them. "But the Dark Lord decided the prophecy meant Harry Potter instead... Make no mistake, the Dark Lord is obsessed. All of his other objectives have been put aside and will remain that way until he sees Harry Potter killed."

Neither Lily nor Potter said anything. Severus had expected them to go into hysterics, but they only stared at him as he tried to avoid meeting their eyes.

"I know the full contents of the prophecy," Dumbledore said, "that I will share with you both. There is magic that can be used to help protect you, James and Lily. I will discuss this with you privately, as soon as this meeting is adjourned. Severus - though I completely trust him and I know his story - will not be told what this protection against Voldemort is."

"Because he can't be trusted," Black hissed.

"No," Dumbledore said, turning his gaze onto Black. "Because in case Voldemort realizes he is a spy and decides to torture Severus for information, Severus honestly won't know anything."

* * *

**September 1980**

During each meeting, Severus tried not to look at Lily or Potter or Black or really anyone, but he found himself watching her out of the corner of his eye anyway. She was looking toward him a lot and it made him feel uneasy. As soon as the meeting was over, Severus took off like a bullet as usual and went through the door into the back hallway, but he could tell someone was pursuing him quickly and he knew who it was.

"Severus!" Lily said as she followed him.

He didn't stop walking.

"Sev!" She grabbed his right hand.

He yanked it from her grasp as if she burned him. He stopped walking and glared at her.

She let out a sigh and looked down before looking back up again as he waited with impatience. "I wanted to thank you," she said finally.

"Okay," he said shortly, not looking at her. "You're welcome." He turned back around, but she grabbed his hand again.

"Wait!"

He turned back around to face her, feeling distinctly uncomfortable about the whole atmosphere. She looked pretty, far too pretty. Her green eyes were sparkling. He had not talked to her in over three years. The last time she had said anything to him at all was when she screamed at him and called him a son of a bitch, but he tried to not think about that right now.

"I also wanted to apologize too," she said.

Still he didn't say anything.

"Listen, Sev, I'm sorry what I've put you through... I'm sorry things went the way they did. I know that growing up makes things complicated, and what was once simple can't be anymore because we make it that way, but on some level, I'll always be your friend... and with what you've done for my family and me, I'll always be in your debt."

He swallowed but didn't speak.

She smiled gently and looked down again. "I knew you were good... I'm glad the Slytherins and Voldemort didn't take that all away from you, even though James still thinks you're evil."

"Don't say his name."

This time her smile was real. "Voldemort or James?"

It took everything in Severus to not smile. "I don't deserve your gratitude," he said. Because really, he didn't. He had told Voldemort about the prophecy. It didn't matter whether or not he knew Voldemort would interpret it to mean Harry Potter. If he hadn't joined and served Voldemort, she would not be in the danger she was in now. He considered telling her this, but he decided he was too cowardly.

"Leave me alone," he said tersely. This time when he turned around, she did not follow or stop him.

* * *

_Do you know how you're getting old? When you realize Snape was only twenty years old when Harry was born. He was barely an adult. And then he was only twenty-one when he began teaching - only three years older than his oldest students. And then he was only thirty-one when Harry began his first year. Holy crap, Snape was actually young. _


	8. The Boy

_So I worked my normal work week in the span of three days this week. Was too tired when I finally got home last night to update. But now I'm on a mini-vacation! I'm not sure if I will be able to update tomorrow (probably not), but we'll see.  
_

_**Jennifer - **Always! When I'm done with the story, I'll say when it is the last chapter. I think we might be getting to the second to last chapter next update. _

_**Guest - **Thanks! I totally think Dumbledore is an awesome character and I try to give him justice. He was a bit manipulative of people, but he definitely believed love was what would defeat Voldemort, and I think he completely understood and knew Snape's story.__ Severus did indeed make mistakes - horrible mistakes - but he was redeemed because of Lily. He was motivated by love and Dumbledore certainly thought this was the highest motivation there could be! And it was the Fidelius Charm Dumbledore was referring to. _

* * *

_**Lechicaneuronline: **Do you think Snape is a hero?_

_**JK Rowling: **Yes, I do; though a very flawed hero. An antihero, perhaps. He is not a particularly likeable man in many ways. He remains rather cruel, a bully, riddled with bitterness and insecurity - and yet he loved, and showed loyalty to that love and, ultimately, laid down his life because of it. _

_- Webchat with JK Rolwing, July 30th, 2007_

_Antihero: a main character in a book, play, movie, etc., who does not have the usual good qualities that are expected in a hero (Merriam-Webster)_

* * *

**January 1994**

Severus was sitting in the staff room grading papers. He paused and took a drink out of a goblet while he tried to pretend Lupin wasn't in the room, but he was talking about the dementors and Potter with Dumbledore.

"I'm trying to teach Harry the Patronus Charm," Lupin was saying. "He came to me asking about how he could fight the dementors in case they wandered onto the grounds again and I just couldn't tell him no, but I'm worried that I shouldn't be trying to teach him it."

"Please, Lupin," Severus sneered. "It is way too advanced. Potter doesn't have the brains or the ability to do a charm that advanced. He can't even follow plain written directions in Potions."

"I disagree," Dumbledore said. "Remus, I think that is an excellent idea. Harry has proven that he is very talented in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Severus here is the only one who has problems with Harry's academics. All of his other professors say that Harry is very capable."

"Harry told me that he hears things when the dementors get close to him," Lupin said with an odd tone in his voice.

Severus picked up his goblet again after rolling his eyes.

"He even told me," Lupin went on, "that what he hears is his mother pleading with Voldemort right before he kills her."

Severus dropped the goblet he was holding. Water spilled onto the table, but thankfully not onto any parchment. Both Dumbledore and Lupin looked at him.

Dumbledore gave him a knowing look, but Lupin looked taken aback.

"I know," Lupin said to both Severus and Dumbledore. "I don't think Harry's making it up. He hears them all. He hears Voldemort telling Lily to stand aside and he even heard James once telling Lily to run for it."

Severus was gathering his things in record speed. There was a very bitter taste in his mouth and he felt sick.

"Unfortunately, that is exactly how it went," Dumbledore said to Lupin, averting the attention away from Severus. "James died first. Voldemort told Lily that she didn't need to die, but she refused to let him kill Harry. That is what saved Harry."

Severus knew that this is how it went, but hearing it again was like a punch in the gut.

"I think Harry is capable of pulling it off," Dumbledore said. "Time and practice."

"It's a terrible thing for him to hear," Lupin muttered. "I don't want to subject him to it either."

Without another word, Severus swept from the room as Dumbledore and Lupin talked on.

* * *

**May 1978**

Severus was concentrating hard in the Slytherin Common Room.

"_Expecto Patronum_," he muttered. A small wisp of light came from his wand and quickly died out.

"Good God, Severus," Garrick Mulciber said loudly from across the room. "Why do you even bother taking Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

Severus' concentration was broken. He sighed and put his wand away. "Because I think it might be useful."

"Why?" Evan Rosier said. "If you know the Dark Arts, why bother? You won't be the one defending yourself; you'll be the one doing the dark magic. From the looks of it, you're not all that good at the defense part, but I wouldn't want to cross you because of your knowledge of dark magic."

"The Patronus Charm," Severus growled, "is very difficult for everybody. I have to get it because there will be a test in a couple of weeks."

"Who gives a fuck, Severus."

* * *

**April 1996**

"Severus," Dumbledore called from the head of the table. "I would like a private word with you, please."

_Oh great_. Severus waited as the remainder of the Order members filed out. Black gave him a smirk and Severus immediately knew what Dumbledore was going to speak with him about.

"Severus," Dumbledore immediately said after Kingsley closed the door, "is it true that you stopped giving Harry Occlumency lessons?"

Anger leaped inside Severus and his blood pressure immediately increased as he remembered walking into the classroom that should have had Harry Potter in it, but Potter had gone mysteriously missing. And then the horrible realization came over him that Potter had entered the Pensieve and he was literally walking around in his memories. He could have been in any one. Lily. His parents. Lily. James Potter. Lily.

"Yes," Severus answered through gritted teeth.

"Severus, what has gotten into you!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "It is absolutely imperative for -"

"The little piece of shit broke into my memories!" Severus shouted, his anger increasing by the second. He jumped to his feet and put a jar away just for the excuse to stand.

"Yes, I know," Dumbledore said sternly. "But -"

"You _know_? How do you know?" Severus demanded. "I told the boy he wouldn't talk about what he saw!"

Dumbledore sighed. "Harry was very bothered by what he saw, Severus."

Severus froze. "What?"

"I'm curious to know which memory he saw. Was Lily in it?"

"Yes, she was," he replied bitterly.

"And James was too?"

"Yes."

Dumbledore straightened himself. "Well, this must have been awkward."

"He thinks I hated Lily," Severus snapped. "It wasn't anything that would have told him otherwise. It was when I accidentally called her m- mudblood at the end of fifth year."

"Then he knows nothing," Dumbledore said. "You should be grateful it wasn't worse. How many of your memorizes that you put into the Pensieve were about Lily?"

"About ninety-percent of them," Severus said shortly.

"All right. Well, as I was saying, Harry was so bothered by what he had seen his father doing that he communicated with Remus and Sirius. He wanted to know if James really was the horrible person in that particular memory."

Severus was stunned on the inside, but he didn't let this show. "It doesn't matter what Potter thought about it!" he snapped. "He shouldn't have done it! It was private and the little prat knew that!"

Dumbledore stroked his beard for a moment, apparently deep in thought. "I don't know, Severus. I'd be touched if I were you. The boy clearly wants to get to know the real you better."

Severus jaw dropped and he yelled, "That's absolute rubbish!"

But Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling. "Did he ever manage to have the Legilimency reversed?"

"Once, his lone shining moment of his abilities in Occlumency, and he cheated by using his wand to do it," Severus snarled.

"And would you say those memories he saw flashes of good or bad?"

"_It doesn't matter!_ He has absolutely no respect and -"

"Oh, I don't know, Severus," Dumbledore said again. "You've been breaking into his memories for months now. It's been quite one-sided. Were you surprised by anything you saw in his memories?"

Severus glared at Dumbledore in reply. The truth was, yes, he had been surprised by what he saw. Potter before Hogwarts wore clothes sizes five times too large, was punched in the face by his cousin to the point his glasses broke and had to be taped back together, and looked neglected... rather like Severus looked before Hogwarts. _But it doesn't matter,_ Severus thought viciously. _It didn't deflate his head __in the slightest._

"Now, Severus, please, you need to resume your lessons with Harry -"

Irrational anger leaped in him again. "I'm not doing it, Dumbledore!"

"Severus," Dumbledore said more sternly, "it needs to be -"

"I TOLD YOU I'M NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!" Severus bellowed. "THE BOY'S TOO STUPID TO EVEN GET IT ANYWAY!"

For a moment, Dumbledore just stared at him and Severus glared back. Severus didn't bother to use Occlumency. Instead, he let Dumbledore see the hurt and contempt and anger that was rushing through him.

Dumbledore sighed. "I guess there are some wounds that can't be healed," he said quietly. "I'm sorry, Severus."

With that, Dumbledore turned around and left a seething Severus behind.

* * *

_Poor Severus... Has anyone ever thought that Severus always thought of Harry as either "Potter" or "the boy," which then made it harder to accept that he was a different person than James Potter?_


	9. Truth and Lies

_This was by far the hardest chapter to write. This is the third to last chapter. Next one will cover Severus' and Lily's falling out, because it has to happen. Then the next one will cover Lily's death. This will be the chapter where I stray from canon the most, but I'll do my best to tie it up in as believable as possible in the next chapter. Poor Severus has tough times ahead. _

**_Gossipsoundsgood - _**_Thanks! I daydream about weird fandoms a lot during work. Haha_

**_dragoon109 - _**_I don't agree that Snape's questions for Harry were _impossible_, but quite unfair. __Hermione is extraordinarily gifted and she reads at the rate that stuns her teachers (even Umbridge!). Harry is quite average. It is unfair to expect the average 11-year-old to read their textbooks ahead of time and memorize information before the classes even begins. I know if I was quizzed on info before my classes have begun, I'd be just like Harry ("I don't know, sir"). But I definitely agree with you that Snape asked Harry those questions because, in his mind, he was testing Harry's personality. The problem is it was a very biased test. Snape wants to believe that Harry Potter is like James Potter because he looks like him and it'd probably be easier on Severus if he could just hate him in peace. It's like what Dumbledore told Snape, he sees what he expects. He looked at Harry and expected to see James Potter 2.0, so that's what he saw, and his test that he used as evidence to support this blinded view.  
_

**_Red Furry Demon - _**_I wondered if that was you! The Old-Bat-Snape is pretty funny. I remember JK Rowling said she liked writing him because he was such a miserable person, or something along those lines. About the feelings via Legilimency, I don't think feelings themselves can be transmitted... I was thinking more like Severus was having flashes of thoughts that gave off those feelings... Snape told Harry that minds are many layered things, so I like to think a lot of unspoken things between Dumbledore (an accomplished person who knows both Legilimency and Occlumency) and Severus (another skilled person in Legilimency and Occlumency) could be transmitted to one another. I think that might even be a part of how Dumbledore came to trust Snape so well - he got a lot of glimpses of the real Severus Snape... _

**_Jasmin Audra -_**_ I really like the Snape and Harry relationship, just because I find a lot of their exchanges funny... When I was a kid reading the books, I always hated Snape with Harry, but now that I look back on passages in the books, their dialogue was actually pretty hilarious. And Snape has become one of my favorite characters of all time. _

* * *

_"Ah... reading magazines under the table as well?" Snape added, snatching up the copy of _Witch Weekly. _"A further ten points from Gryffindor... oh but of course..." Snape's black eyes glittered as they fell on Rita Skeeter's article. "Potter has to keep up with his press cuttings..."_

_The dungeon rang with the Slytherins' laughter, and an unpleasant smile curled Snape's thin mouth. To Harry's fury, he began to read to read the article aloud. _

_"'_Harry Potter's Secret Heartache'... _dear, dear, Potter, what's ailing you now? '_A boy like no other, perhaps...'"

_Harry could feel his face burning. Snape was pausing at the end of every sentence to allow the Slytherins a hearty laugh. The article sounded ten times worse when read by Snape. Even Hermione was blushing scarlet now._

_"... _Harry Potter's well-wishers must hope that, next time, he bestows his heart upon a worthier candidate.' _How very touching," sneered Snape, rolling up the magazine to continued gales of laughter from the Slytherins. "Well, I think I had better separate the three of you, so you can keep your minds on your potions rather than on your tangled love lives. Weasley, you stay here. Miss Granger, over there, beside Miss Parkinson. Potter - that table in front of my desk. Move. Now."_

_- Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Chapter twenty-seven _

* * *

**May 1977**

It was dusk and Severus was walking to their hiding spot feeling jittery with nerves to the point that he felt pangs of nausea. He felt this way every night. As he carefully avoided anyone seeing him, he made it outside and quickly dashed for tree cover. The weather was beautiful - spring. There was not a cloud in the sky. It was a Friday.

Lily was sitting against the tree doing an assignment for Charms. She put everything aside and smiled.

"Hi, Sev," she said. "I missed you today. McGonagall went over animagi today. She showed us how she can turn into a cat and Potter and Black looked like they were dying to show off that they're animagi too, but couldn't, because they're illegally ones. I thought they were seriously contemplating getting Azkaban time in exchange for showing off. You would have died."

"If only they had," he replied as he sat down in front of her.

"I wanted to talk to you," Lily said after a pause.

Severus felt a thrill of dread. Something must have shown on his face, because Lily quickly added, "It's nothing bad."

Severus gave a thin smile. "Did you put anything in my drink at dinner?"

"No," she said. "So as long as you didn't take a leaf out of my book, we should be fine."

Severus waited, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she moved close to him and kissed him until he got uncomfortable and turned his head away.

Lily kissed his jaw line and then said, "That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I knew you'd be the first to bring it up. Severus, why do you always do that?"

"What?" he said, even though he knew what _that_ she had meant.

"You never want to take things too far."

"We're seventeen," he replied.

"Uh-huh," she said. "Legally, we're adults. And we've known each other since we were nine. It's not like we're strangers. I trust you with my life, heart, and soul. Tell me the truth. What is it?"

He grabbed blindly at the ground, found some twigs, and started snapping them. He could tell that Lily barely managed to bite back a laugh. It was a nervous habit of his that he had been doing for as long as Lily knew him.

"Lily, you don't know what the Slytherins say," he said finally.

"Oh, Sev. Why are we always talking about the other Slytherins?"

"Look, you're asking me, I'm telling you," he said, sounding annoyed.

"Okay, you're right. Go on. What do the Slytherins say about me?"

Severus snapped twigs in silence for a moment. "They say a lot of horrible, degrading things about you. Basically, they think the only reason I hang out with you is to sleep with you. They think that, since you're muggle-born, the only thing you're good for is... well, that. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that I don't contradict them because I can't make any enemies."

"Is that all?" Lily said. "I could expect as much. So what?"

"So it bothers me."

"And do you hang out with me just you can have sex with me?"

"No," he said. "Of course not. That's ridiculous. You're my best friend first."

"Then why does it matter what they think?" Lily laughed. "I know that you are my friend first and foremost. I know you haven't hung out with me for the past eight years because you just want to sleep with me."

All that could be heard was Severus snapping twigs.

"Is that all?" she prompted. "Is that the only reason we can't finally have an intimate relationship? Because if that's the only reason, we just solved that problem. It's not true. We know the truth. I trust you... Can we?"

He looked at her in alarm and dropped the sticks. "Are you seriously asking me or are we just talking?" he exclaimed in horror.

Lily closed her eyes and looked as if she was trying to summon patience. She reopened her eyes and said, "Yes, Sev, I'm really asking you. What other reasons do you have?"

He just stared at her like she had three heads.

"Sev, we don't have until the end of term. What are your other reasons why we can't?"

"I don't want the Slytherins to be right!" he said shrilly. "Don't you understand, if I - if we do, then that's degrading you to their level, that's -"

"Absolutely none of their business. Who cares what they think, Sev? Honestly, I could be a virgin until the day I die and I'm sure they would still say degrading things about me, just like you could walk on water and Potter would still call you names. Let's move on! What is next on your excuses list?"

He swallowed. "I'm probably really bad at it."

"I have the same amount of practice as you," she said. "I'm comfortable enough around you to laugh at any awkwardness that we might encounter. I'm probably bad at it. Nobody knows what the hell they're doing the first time. That's why it's important to do it with someone you trust a lot. Someone you've known for like, say, going on nine years."

"But -" he spluttered. "But - but - what if a centaur or Hagrid comes out of no where -"

She scowled. "We've been coming here for months and nobody has come across us. I'm willing to bet we won't have someone interrupt us tonight."

He just stared at her.

"You really are attracted to me, right?" she said.

"Yeah," he said.

"Sometimes it's hard for me to read you," she said. "I'm always the one initiating everything. Most boys aren't like that."

"What d'you mean 'most boys aren't like that'?" he exclaimed.

"Other boys like me too."

He glared at her with jealousy rising from within him. "Well, fine then!" he snapped. "If you're so keen of Potter flirting with you left and right -"

"Sev!" she interrupted. "I don't mean that! I'm just saying you can be very frustrating sometimes. I'm with you and I want you and I just want to know you want me too!"

That silenced him. "Okay," he said finally. "Okay. Yes, I want you, you just make me nervous and I don't want to come across like that or take advantage of you or make it so the Slytherins are right. That's all."

She leaned in and kissed him softly on the jaw again. "Just let go of your worries," she said, her breath hot against his jaw. "I want you."

Severus shuddered involuntarily. She kissed him again. He was tired of fighting his feelings down. He was tired of feeling ashamed. He was tired of wanting her but never having her...

* * *

**May 1977**

Severus woke up and knew he was in deep shit before he could even realize where he was or why he was going to be in trouble. Lily was asleep against him with their cloaks covering them both. The sun was up and it looked like it had been up for hours. He looked at his watch and hoped he was wrong. He wasn't.

"Lily," he said slowly.

"What?" she slurred.

"It's ten o'clock. In the morning."

She gave a start but then relaxed again. "So what? It's a Saturday."

"Okay," he said. "Okay. Well, we'll just tell McGonagall that when she finally gets a hold of you."

She sat up. "What're you talking about?"

He shook his head and started getting dressed in the most private way he could manage. "Don't you think," he said as he frantically got dressed, "that maybe - maybe - some of your friends have noticed you've been missing since dusk yesterday?"

"Probably not," she said without meeting his gaze. "So what even if they do? They don't know anything and I'm not telling anyone."

Dressed, he sat back down and put his face in his hands. "Just put your damn clothes on so we can figure out how to do this," he said into his hands. He heard her moving, but he didn't look. His head was pounding and his face was burning. He was dead.

Once she was done, she sat down beside him and said, "Sev, no one will say anything. Anyway, all the Gryffindors hate the Slytherins and they don't talk. They won't put two and two together."

"Bullshit," he said. "The Gryffindors probably all got up and said, 'Hey, where's Lily? Have you seen Lily?' And then they went looking to see if I was at breakfast, and unless somebody has turned into me for fun using Polyjuice Potion, they would have seen I'm gone too."

She didn't say anything.

"If anybody asks," he said, "we were studying for finals and then fell asleep by accident."

"Sure, Severus," she said with a straight face. "I didn't know human anatomy was offered at Hogwarts."

"That's not funny!" he shouted as he fought off a smile. "We're going to be expelled, killed, or both."

"All right, fine," she said. "No joking allowed. Here's what we'll do."

Severus braced himself for another joke.

"I'll go back first," she said. "Then forty-five minutes later, you start going back to the castle. That way we won't show up together. When they ask me where I've been all night, I'll say I was stargazing for my Divination project - you always said I was nuts for sticking with that class, Sev - because the sky was crystal clear last night. I fell asleep by accident."

"Okay," he said. "That sounds relatively believable. The sky was clear last night. What do you think I should say to the Slytherins?"

"I don't know," she said with a twitch of a smile. "You could say that you met with Voldemort and pledged yourself to him and now you're on a special mission for him and you can't say what it is."

"That's not funny!" he said again. "What do I really say?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, Sev. You could just tell them the truth. They already think that's what you're doing, right? Then the Gryffindors will all hate you like usual. You'll be the bad guy who's trying to ruin poor Lily's reputation by making up things about her when really she was just doing an assignment for Divination."

He bit his lips as he thought of this. It was a risky move, but he couldn't come up with anything better. "They'll probably be waiting for me to come up with some kind of lie," he said. "So me telling the truth is probably a safer option, just so they can all think I'm lying when really I'm telling the truth."

"Right," she said. "Reverse psychology."

"And when and if McGonagall asks you -"

"I already have the chart done," she said. "So I'll have work to prove it."

"What do I do if Slughorn talks to me?"

She shrugged. "Lie to him. Say you were studying outside and fell asleep. Say anything. And then when he brings you to Dumbledore, tell the truth. He got you off last time."

"But -"

"Do you have a better idea?"

Severus said, "No."

So exactly forty-five minutes after Lily left, Severus stood up and walked to the castle. His legs felt numb. It felt like it was the longest walk he had ever had to take in his life. He was starving, but he knew eating would make him throw up. He intended to go straight to the Slytherin Common Room, hide forever, and shrivel up and die.

He named the password and stepped inside his common room to find Garrick Mulciber sitting on a sofa, along with other Syltherins milling about who were not in Severus' year.

"Hey, Severus," Garrick said. "Were you with Evans all night?"

"Oh," Severus said. "Yeah. What's it to you?"

"Look, we all know you're fucking her, but you shouldn't be so blatant about it," Garrick said. "If Dumbledore finds out, you'll be expelled for sure."

"Worry about yourself," Severus sneered, trying his best to sound unconcerned.

It took a few days for Severus to realize that Lily's plan had gone better than he had expected. The Slytherins all took it in stride, completely believing Severus' side. They called her a whore and laughed about it all while Severus had to bite his tongue. The Gryffindors all believed Lily's story and they hated Severus. Even Potter believed Lily's version, who was always paranoid by Lily's friendship with Severus. Potter and Black had taken the first opportunity to corner Severus when there were no teachers around and demand that he stop spreading lies about Lily while Pettigrew watched the exchange wide-eyed and Lupin studied his fingernails. If anything, Lily was now more popular with the Gryffindor girls, because they believed that poor Lily was just too good and loyal of a friend to believe that Severus was spreading awful lies about her.

"They all believe what they want to believe," Lily told Severus in grim satisfaction. "Their prejudices have just blinded them even more."

"Don't you feel bad for lying to them?" Severus asked.

"Hmm. Some of them, yeah, a bit," she said. "But it really is none of their business anyway."

And so Severus ended his sixth year with no idea just how much he would lose.

* * *

_Like I said, next chapter is their falling out, and this time, it will be for good..._


	10. The Dark Mark

_Three flashes of Severus' seventh year. I've got to feel bad for him. Next chapter is the last one. I work long hours this weekend, so I don't think I'll have the next chapter up until Monday.  
_

**_Very Small Prophet -_**_Hmm, maybe. Perhaps my inner nine-year-old is still too biased against Snape. Still, I don't think he was fair to Harry. I think we'll just have to agree to disagree. _

**_Guest -_**_Thank you :)_

**_Red Furry Demon - _**_Haha, I had to look up what you meant by lemon scene! Yeah, I just don't think it's necessary; we all know how it works. Poor Severus though, it's all downhill from here. I'm glad you liked the last chapter though, it's probably not everybody's cup of tea, but there we are.  
_

**_Note: _**_Urgh, I found three bad typos since last night and fixed them. I'm just too exhausted and now I have to go to work again!_

* * *

_"I didn't mean it to happen," said Harry at once. His voice echoed in the cold, watery space. "I didn't know what that spell did."_

_But Snape ignored this. "Apparently I underestimated you, Potter," he said quietly. "Who would have thought you knew such Dark Magic? Who taught you that spell?"_

_"I - read about it somewhere."_

_"Where?"_

_"It was - a library book," Harry invented wildly. "I can't remember what it was call -"_

_"Liar," said Snape. Harry's throat went dry. He knew what Snape was going to do and he had never been able to prevent it..._

_The bathroom seemed to shimmer before his eyes; he struggled to block out all thought, but try as he might, the Half-Blood Prince's copy of _Advanced Potion-Making_ swam hazily to the front of his mind._

_- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, chapter twenty-four_

* * *

**September 1977**

It was the beginning of their seventh year and it was gradually sinking in that they were all adults now. The first week had gone by when they were busy getting used to the fact that they were the gods of the school, but after that first week, it seemed everyone was changing, including Lily. She seemed more distant. Severus told himself that she was just tired.

"Sev," she said one evening as she looked up from her homework in the Forbidden Forest, "what do you want to do?"

He knew she meant after Hogwarts. "I don't know," he replied. "Something that involves me not working around other people. What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. I'd kind of like to be a healer."

"That sounds nice. I'm sure you'd be good at it."

"I'd also like to join the Order of the Phoenix."

Severus felt like someone had just dropped a stone into his stomach. He swallowed and then said, "Don't say that."

Her face twitched a bit. She looked surprised.

"If you do that," Severus said, "the Dark Lord will be after you."

"Yeah, I know, Severus. I don't like to look at it that way, though. I'd prefer to say I will be after him."

"Lily, stop it, please."

"Stop what?"

"It makes me sick to hear you even say it," Severus mumbled. "The Dark Lord is powerful beyond measure. You're beautiful, talented, gifted. Don't tell me you're going to waste it all away for a lost cause."

"A lost cause?" she echoed, her eyebrows getting higher. "So you're saying Voldemort's already won?"

"Look, I don't like it either, but it's about staying alive," he said. "I hate the Dark Lord -"

"Why don't you say his name?"

"Because I'm afraid to say it."

"Well, I'm not," she said with her jaw squared.

Severus put his face in hands before looking back up at her and saying, "You don't know how powerful he is. You don't know what he does to people who stand against him. He is my worst nightmare, Lily. You don't want to find out. Just keep your head down and hide. You've got to survive."

She didn't say anything and Severus knew she was listening to him intently.

"If I lost you, I'd die," he continued. "Don't fight a useless fight. Like I said, I hate him, but he's too powerful to oppose. Leave it to Dumbledore or somebody - anybody - else. The Dark Lord tortures his oppressors. Makes them beg for death. Then he feeds them to his giant snake. He's absolutely, terrifying powerful, Lily. I can't stand the thought of you fighting him - it makes me feel sick. Please, just don't do it... I'm a Slytherin. I know more about him than you do."

Her green eyes were watching him closely. "You're going to join him, aren't you?"

Severus closed his eyes. "I don't like it -"

"You are! How can you?"

"It's about staying alive," he said.

She dumped her work off of her, looking appalled. "You know he wants to kill muggle-borns, right?" she exclaimed. "What are you going to do - kill me if he asks you to?"

"What?" he said with a weak laugh. "Don't be ridiculous. I'd rather die than harm you. Trust me, I'll make sure you're safe. The Dark Lord is a half-blood. He prizes purity of blood, sure, but he can appreciate magical abilities. You're brilliant, Lily; he'd leave you be, but only if you _don't_ join the Order. I can make sure of that."

"Oh, now I'm the nauseous one," Lily said savagely as she jumped to her feet. She turned around, took a few shuffling steps, and looked at the ground with a hand over her mouth.

"Lily," Severus tried to reason with her, "I love you and I just don't want to see you killed. I don't want to be killed."

She turned back around to face him. It was the first time Severus had said it, but those three words seemed to go unnoticed by her. She strode over to him.

"Let me see your arm," she said.

Severus felt the blood drain from his face. "What - you've seen my -"

"Not for nearly a month," she said. "Go on, show it to me!"

He stuck out his right arm. She pulled his sleeve up to see a normal forearm.

"Now the other one," she said.

"Lily, come off it -"

"Now!"

He didn't move. She made a lunge for his left arm, grabbed it, stuck it out, and pulled up the sleeve to show the Dark Mark etched on his forearm. She let go of his arm, sat down crisscrossed in front of him, and put her face in her hands.

Severus didn't move and he didn't say anything. He knew it would be hard to get Lily to listen to reason, especially when she was hysterical, so he waited for her to digest the truth.

But a few minutes later, she looked up with a new light in her green eyes. She said, "This could be a good thing."

Well, he certainly hadn't expected that. He waited for her to go on.

"I get it, Sev, I really do. You were Sorted into Slytherin. All the other Slytherins are planning to join Voldemort or I guess they already have - I'm surprised while you're still at Hogwarts, but never mind, you're of age. You're marked, and I don't mean to be making a pun. But, Severus, this has given you a wonderful opportunity to become a spy for Dumbledore."

He felt like he was sinking.

"I'm sure no one's ever been a spy before," she added when he did not speak.

"Lily, I can't become a spy!" Severus burst out. "He does horrible things to his enemies and I can't even imagine what he would do to a spy! He'd torture me into insanity! He'd - he'd -" he leaned forward and then backward in his distress. "Well, I can't even imagine what horrible things he'd do to me!"

She looked crestfallen again. "Severus, you have to. You can't just join him. What about me?"

"You don't understand!" he shouted. "I can protect you, but not if you or I or both of us are in the Order!"

"I don't want protection," she said as she lifted her chin. "I want to see Voldemort die."

"Lily, please stop," he moaned.

She didn't say anything further. Some tears fell from her eyes and she wiped them away. She returned to her spot against the tree. She picked up her quill and parchment and opened her book at her feet. She didn't say another word on the matter and Severus was at loss of what to say.

* * *

**September 1977**

The next day when he went to their spot, he found she wasn't there. His stomach lurched. Then he started wandering about the castle, watching for her.

He found her. She was sitting outside in the courtyard with her friends. He went up to them and the other Gryffindor girls looked at him in pure disgust.

"Lily, can I talk to you?" he said rather bravely.

She just looked at him with no expression on her face. She finally said, "Sure."

They walked out toward the lake in silence. It was only when they were far away from anyone else did he speak.

"Lily, I know you're not happy with me," he said. "But you don't understand. I'm doing what I have to."

"Then I can't be friends with you," she said with cold indifference.

Severus stopped walking and she stopped too.

"I thought you loved me," he said in an equally cool tone.

"I thought I did too," she said shortly.

He was facing a stranger. "It would have been nice," he said with venom, "if you had realized you didn't sooner."

She shrugged. "Sorry. That's how relationships go, Severus. You go out with somebody and then you either leave them or marry them. I can't be with a Death Eater."

Severus could hear his heart pounding in his ears. "You've betrayed me. You're holding me accountable for things I can't control."

She gave a mirthless laugh. "You've betrayed yourself. I should have never forgiven you after fifth year. I was right then. I thought I was wrong. I wanted to believe you weren't a future Death Eater, but I guess you always were."

She turned and started walking back to the castle. He was more hurt than he had ever felt in his entire life.

"But I love you," he said before he could stop himself.

She turned back around. "You don't love me, Severus. You only love yourself."

This time when she turned back toward the castle, she didn't stop.

* * *

**June 1978**

The sun was setting. The graduation ceremony was long over, but Severus had lingered behind. Tears were streaming down his face and he wished the pain would just stop. He tried to empty his mind, but his whole body physically hurt, even if he wasn't thinking about why. He wiped his face on his sleeve and stood up. Tonight would be the last night he would spend at Hogwarts. Early in the morning, it would be goodbye forever, and he would be trapped in his dead parents' home for the rest of his life.

The school hallways were exceptionally quiet. All of the other students except for the seventh years had gone home the previous day. It was just the seventh years, who were all laughing, running, shouting... completely ignoring him.

"Hey there, Snivellus!"

Severus heard footsteps running up behind him and he knew who it was.

"You thought you were going to leave without saying goodbye to me?" Potter shouted happily from behind him. When Severus didn't say anything, Potter yelled, "Oh come on, Snivellus! I know you're going to miss me and Lily! We're going to get married, you know. I'll even invite you to the wedding."

Anger like he had never felt before jumped into him. Severus felt himself go from 0 to 1,000 in less than two seconds. He saw red. He grabbed his wand, turned around, and shouted, "_Sectumsempra_!"

He watched as Potter fell to the ground. He had two large gashes on his chest. His robes soaked with blood as Potter lay on the floor, his hands grabbing at the wounds. It almost did not look real. Severus was shaking with a mixture of rage and adrenaline. Some other seventh years looked over at the scene and shouted in horror. Severus turned around and ran for it. It was only when he had reached the spot where he and Lily used to meet did he realize what he had done.

_The wounds won't close_, he thought to himself. _The wounds won't stay closed_. Shaking and panting, Severus put his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath. Once he had regained control of his breathing, he turned around and ran right back up to the castle, through the corridors, and to the hospital wing. He burst the doors open, shaking, looking insane.

Dumbledore, Madam Pomfrey, Lily, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew were all there. Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey froze in midair. Dumbledore had his wand out and Severus knew he was trying all the magic he knew to save bloody James Potter's life, but Severus knew nothing Dumbledore tried would work permanently. Nobody knew this spell other than Severus - no one. Potter was knocked out cold - probably as an attempt to keep him from panicking. There was blood everywhere -

Severus hurried for them. "Nothing - you - try - will - work," he panted as he skidded to a halt. "I'm - the - only - one - who knows - the - counter curse - here -"

And Severus drew his wand. Black drew his own, but Dumbledore stuck his arm out to stop Black.

"Wait!" Dumbledore commanded Black.

Black looked at Dumbledore incredulously and began to protest, but Severus began chanting the counter curse and the wounds began to knit themselves closed. He had to repeat this four times before the bleeding finally stopped.

Everyone stood there, completely stunned for about five full seconds. Then Lily stepped up to Severus and began hitting him on the chest as hard as she possibly could.

"_YOU - SON OF A - BITCH!_" she screamed at him as she hit him. It was scary; Severus had never seen her like this before. She looked quite deranged. "_YOU - YOU -!_" Then she slumped to the floor at his feet, crying.

Severus tore his gaze away from her, turned away, and walked for the doors. Nobody tried to stop him. They were too busy trying to calm Lily down to care.

* * *

_I don't know when Snape joined Voldemort, but I like to think the final proof to Lily - the Dark Mark - was something she discovered. I think it would have woken her up, no matter what Severus told her. JK Rowling said Lily might have even come to love Severus romantically if he had not had the dark side that he had, so I like to think that part of the tragedy of Snape is that he could have gotten the girl, but didn't because he was too scared and confused to stand up to Voldemort. Yet, that's what he eventually did. Had he just done that first, she might have stayed with him. That might be just me though? I don't know. Next chapter is the last one. _


	11. Back to the Beginning Again

_Okay, so this is it. The end. I want to thank everyone who reviewed, followed, favorited, or just silently enjoyed reading. I had a hard time remaining in the world of canon, because canon from the first book seems off somehow. But I managed. This is definitely the longest chapter. I hope you enjoy. _

**_Red Furry Demon -_**_I do feel pretty damn bad for Snape. Unfortunately, this chapter isn't any happier. :( Thank you for all of your faithful reviews throughout this fanfic! I wish you the best._

* * *

_HARRY: Sectumsempra!  
_

_Bang! Snape wheels and once more sends Harry flying onto his back. Harry stares at the stars as they wheel over him, when Snape comes INTO VIEW._

_SNAPE: You dare use my own spells against me, Potter?_

_Harry goes still. His eyes shift, meet Snape's._

_SNAPE: You may have gotten your mother's eyes, but you're as dim as your father. Yes. It's me. I'm the Half-Blood Prince._

_Snape kicks Harry's wand aside and turns away, joining Malfoy and the others where they wait beyond the flaming ruins of Hagrid's Hut. They head for the darkness of the treeline. And VANISH._

_- Taken from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Movie Script _

* * *

**October 31, 1981**

"Hey, Severus! Severus Snape!" Evan Rosier shouted at Severus once Voldemort had Disapparated, leaving the Death Eater circle to disband on their own.

Severus looked up at Evan.

"We're going to go have some fun with some muggles!" Evan continued to shout even though he was only five feet from him. "You want to come?"

Severus' eyes shifted to Cyneric Avery, Dunstan Wilkes, and Garrick Mulciber. They all looked excited.

"No, thanks," Severus said dully.

"Oh come on, Severus!" Garrick said. "It's Halloween. The night is young. There are all these disgusting, filthy muggles running around dressed up as witches and wizards and werewolves - they need to be taught a lesson! Come live a little."

"No, thanks anyway," Severus said again.

"Well, what are you going to do instead?" Evan sneered. "Spend your whole night crying over that mudblood again? Sniveling at the Dark Lord to spare her?"

Everyone laughed. Severus watched them as they turned and walked away. Cyneric could be heard whining "_please, please don't kill her, my Lord_" in a high-pitched voice. Severus knew they had not matured at all since their Hogwarts days. They had only gotten deadlier. Killing was a novel idea to them then, but now, it was just a sport to make the time pass. They used _Sectumsempra_ a lot because it looked like a muggle-on-muggle murder and they enjoyed reading the muggle newspapers detailing the savage attack. Lily would be so ashamed of him to know his spell was out there killing muggles. Severus felt that an eternity had passed since his graduation while his sixth year with Lily felt like a scene from someone else's life. Severus turned on his heel and Disapparated to his home.

He immediately went to his bed and fell asleep. Even though he was extremely stressed and in a constant state of misery and danger, Severus got a lot of sleep. That's because his desire to turn everything off was greater than his nerves. He didn't want to think or feel anymore.

For nearly three hours, he was able to forget. Well, almost entirely forget. When he woke up, he realized that he had been dreaming of Lily, but he couldn't remember what it had been about. He just knew she had been there. So he got back up and started to read. He read for a little over two hours in peace.

He scratched his left arm absentmindedly... but scratching didn't help. His skin was prickling and it started to itch so badly that it hurt. Confused, he pulled up his sleeve to see something he could never have expected. The Dark Mark was discolored. It almost looked like it was fading away. He watched in amazement as it grew fainter and fainter until it was barely distinguishable - like an old scar.

Something had happened.

Severus stood up and Disapparated back to their usual meeting spot. Soon other Death Eaters arrived, but there was no Voldemort. No one knew what to do.

"Is your Mark -"

"Yes, mine too -"

"What's happened?"

"What -"

_What_? Severus thought, but he said nothing as the rest of the Death Eaters muttered in confusion.

"_Something's happened!_" Bellatrix Lestrange screamed, looking completely like the psychotic woman she was. "_Where are you, Master?_"

With Bellatrix flying off the wall, the rest of the Death Eaters started to seriously panic.

"Now, listen here," Nott started to shout. "No one turn each other in during the trial! If anyone turns me in, I will make sure to testify against you!"

"WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED TO THE DARK LORD YET!" Bellatrix screamed at the top of her lungs. "YOU DON'T KNOW THAT HE'S DEAD! HE IS TOO POWERFUL! MY MASTER CAN'T BE DEAD!"

Severus didn't wait to hear anymore. He Disapparated back to his home and immediately sent a silver doe to Albus Dumbledore, instructing him to meet with Severus in great haste. Then he waited. Severus was breathing harshly. The spot where the Dark Mark had been still itched. He kept staring at the ugly scar as it continued to fade with every passing minute.

_It's a dream_, Severus told himself. _This has to be a dream. I was able to go back to sleep after all._

But then a silver phoenix flew up to him and told him in Dumbledore's voice, "Meet me at headquarters."

So Severus went. He burst through the front door and hurried up to the meeting room. Dumbledore was waiting for him there, looking like he had been asleep a short while ago.

Looking deranged, Severus gasped, "Something's - happened - to the Dark Lord."

Dumbledore looked extremely taken-aback. "What do you -?"

"Look!" Severus said, pulling his sleeve up so that his left forearm showed.

Dumbledore stared at where the Dark Mark should have been. There was just that faint scar.

"It itches like mad too," Severus said when Dumbledore didn't say anything.

Dumbledore started sending a patronus to each Order member instructing them to arrive at headquarters immediately. Severus waited patiently for him to send the last one before asking Dumbledore the big question.

"Do you think he's dead?"

Dumbledore looked over at him. "I don't know, Severus. I am quite certain Voldemort has manipulated magic in a way that it would be extremely difficult for someone to kill him. But something has definitely happened. The magic that he used to give you all the Dark Mark has been broken either because he is extremely wounded or dead. First, we must take count of Order members before we can try to find out what has occurred."

Severus nodded, still breathing hard. Order members started to arrive a few minutes later. Everyone looked sleepy and confused.

"Albus," McGonagall said upon her arrival. "What is the meaning of all this? It's past midnight. What -?"

"Something has happened to Voldemort," Dumbledore said as McGonagall gaped at him. "I don't know what it is just yet. Wait."

Nearly all of the Order members were there, but none of them were the one Severus was looking for.

"Albus," Severus said harshly. "Please step outside this room with me for a second -"

"Severus -"

"Please!" Severus said. His voice betrayed him and a tremor could be heard.

"All right," Dumbledore said. "All right - go on -"

As soon as they both were through the doors, Severus said, "Lily and James. Where do they live?"

Dumbledore took in a deep breath. "Severus, we don't know what has happened. It's too early and too dangerous to start breaking into people's homes -"

"I don't care what you say!" Severus said in a tone that was much higher than his normal speaking voice. "Tell me where they live! You don't have to come with me, I'll go myself and tell you what I find!"

"Severus, I know that you're scared right now, but you have to wait - we all have to wait."

"I CAN'T," Severus shrieked. He knew the others behind the door could hear him now. "TELL ME THEIR ADDRESS, THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD, TELL ME ANYTHING OTHER THAN WAIT!"

Dumbledore closed his eyes. "Severus... I know you are very concerned about Lily and I know you just want to see that she is all right, but she might not be all right and there's nothing you can do to change the outcome of whatever has happened. If something has indeed happened to them, you will only be putting yourself in danger by going there too soon."

But tears were leaking from Severus' eyes and he began to beg. "Please, Dumbledore, please just tell me where she is... _please_."

Dumbledore sighed. "Lily and James are being protected under the Fidelius Charm. If the Secret-Keeper is alive and so are they, you won't be able to see their house without the Secret-Keeper telling your their address. If the Secret-Keeper has died, Lily and James have died, or both, you will be able to see their house. Do you understand, Severus?"

"Yes," he said. "Where is their house?"

"It's in Godric's Hollow. I don't know the exact address. I'm not the Secret-Keeper; if you can't see the house, all is well -"

Severus turned and hurried down the hallway and for the door.

"Severus -" Dumbledore called, but before he could finish saying whatever it was he was about to say, Severus was out the door.

It was cold. Though no rain was coming down, the sky was stormy and lightning. Every once in a while, there would be a clap of thunder. Some muggle teenagers were loitering in the streets. Severus walked up and down the streets shivering, frantically looking from house to house. Everything looked normal. He considered that he would have to start going back and banging on doors one by one. He didn't care if everyone in the neighborhood thought he was crazy or he was causing trouble on Halloween. He didn't care if he had to unlock doors himself or if the muggles sent muggle police after him. As long as each and every person that came to the door was not Lily or Potter, and he could not see their house because they were indeed being kept safe under the Fidelius Charm, then Severus could go back to headquarters in relief.

But near the end of the last block, he saw that there would be no need for him to be banging on any doors. There was a large hole in the roof of one house. It looked like one side of it was about to collapse. Severus stared at it. Something horrible had happened inside it. This damage was a result of dark magic. Some muggle teenagers passed him laughing on the street. They couldn't see the house with their muggle eyes - with a working Fidelius Charm or without. But Severus knew that soon Wizarding authorities would be here and a great deal of attention would be brought onto the street corner. The muggles would probably know something fishy had happened, even though they didn't know what. So with his feet carrying with him, Severus walked through the front door.

James Potter was lying dead on the stairs by the door. Severus looked down at him and his mind started to stutter - his childhood enemy - the one who tormented him and took Lily from him - _No, you fool, he never took her from you, she left on her own_ - the one Severus had almost killed on graduation day but then ran back and saved - was dead. It did not seem real. Potter was always there not far away from Severus ready to fight with him and flirt with Lily. But now James Potter would never do anything to anybody ever again - good or bad...

But there were no Lily or Harry Potter... This gave Severus hope. Slowly, he stepped past James Potter's body and climbed the stairs. A light was on in one of the rooms. There was wreckage from the roof and the walls on the floor. Severus wanted to wake up and be back inside his miserable house.

He entered the room and saw her, his only real friend, dead on the floor. He felt himself hit the wall and then he slumped to the floor. Severus could not process what he was seeing. He did not want to accept that the body in front of him was really the Lily he met at the age of nine, but he knew it was. He felt himself crawl over to her and touch her hand. It was cold. Then he heard a small noise. He looked up, tears falling down his cheeks. A baby was sitting in a crib. He was no longer crying, but Severus could see that some tears were still on Harry Potter's face. This made absolutely no sense to Severus - Harry Potter should be dead and Voldemort's body was also missing - but he didn't care about Harry Potter or Voldemort. He looked back down at Lily and gently picked her up and held her to him. He knew it was stupid - he knew she was gone - but he didn't know what else to do.

Severus stayed that way for what felt like an eternity, but he supposed, in real time, it was only an hour and half to two hours. Still, it was a long time to sit on the floor holding the body of the woman who was his everything. Then he heard someone else in the house, but he didn't care who it was. He didn't care if it was a Death Eater, a member of the Order, or Voldemort himself. Nothing mattered to him. Slowly, Severus placed Lily's body down, stood up, and drew his wand. He used the Disillusionment Charm and silently walked to the corner of the room. He wasn't exactly invisible, but he completely blended in with the background, and since the corner was dark, he was fairly confident whoever it was would not see him as long as he did not move.

It was Hagrid. Severus would have guessed many different people, but never Hagrid. Hagrid was crying and sniffling. He immediately went over to the cot.

"C'mon, Harry," he muttered as he picked the mysteriously alive baby up. He then hurried out the door. Severus waited until he heard the door close behind Hagrid. Then he took the charm off and looked down at Lily. He didn't want to just leave her there on the floor. So he went to a linen closet, fetched a pillow and a blanket, put the pillow under her head, and put the blanket up to neck as if she was sleeping. He didn't care if it was stupid - he couldn't just leave her a crumpled mess on the floor like she didn't matter. Then he conjured some lilies and put them beside her. He took one last look at her face, turned around, and walked out the door.

* * *

**November 1, 1981**

"I don't think you've realized, Severus, what you have done."

Severus was sitting across from Dumbledore at headquarters. No one else remained in the building.

"Yeah, I do," Severus said, his voice breaking. "If I hadn't told the Dark Lord about the prophecy -"

"I wasn't referring to that, Severus," Dumbledore cut across him. "No. I'm referring to how Harry Potter is still alive and how Voldemort is mysteriously missing."

Severus' eyes were burning. He couldn't tell anymore if he was crying because of Lily or if he was crying because his eyes hurt so much from all the recent prior crying. "I'd say Harry Potter is alive because he is the dark wizard the Dark Lord always feared he would be."

"No, Severus, that's not it. Harry Potter was made untouchable by Voldemort partly because of your actions.

Severus blinked a few times as he looked down at the table. "What do you mean?"

"Lily died to save Harry. She laid down her life for him. That is the other part of the reason why Voldemort could not kill Harry - because Lily cast herself between them."

"The Dark Lord," Severus said wearily, "has killed many families. Many mothers and fathers have died trying to stop him from killing their children. None of them have stopped the Dark Lord's powers."

"You are right, Severus. Lord Voldemort has killed many families and many mothers and fathers have died trying to defend their children. James died trying to defend Lily and Harry, yet Lily was not immune from Voldemort. Why the difference?"

"Dumbledore," Severus said curtly, "in case you haven't fucking noticed, I am an absolute wreck. I can't think or play your games. If there's something you want to tell me, spit it out and leave me be."

Dumbledore shifted in his chair and said, "Severus, you begged Voldemort not to kill Lily, correct?"

"On my knees."

"Did Voldemort refuse?"

"He neither refused nor agreed. He said he would consider it and then he placed the Cruciatus Curse on me for requesting anything from him."

Dumbledore nodded. "Severus, Voldemort tried to honor your request."

"What? But Lily's is..."

Dumbledore shifted again before saying, "Yes, Severus, she is gone. But I think he gave Lily the chance to stand aside and let him kill Harry. Yet she refused. She refused to let Voldemort kill him while she was still alive. It literally was an _over my dead body_ moment. She was killed when she could have stepped aside. She died to defend Harry when she needn't have died. That is the difference."

Severus' eyebrows came closer together.

"Now, when Lily refused to let Voldemort kill Harry," Dumbledore went on, "that created a protective shield around Harry. When Voldemort turned his wand on Harry Potter after Lily had chosen death over letting her son be killed in front of her, the Killing Curse rebounded onto Lord Voldemort."

Comprehension slowly settled on Severus.

"I have always maintained," Dumbledore said after a minute, "that love is what would defeat Voldemort. Now... I don't think he is _truly_ dead. I think he is immortal and he is just missing his live body... but it was the combination of Lily's love for Harry and your love for Lily that brought about this result."

Severus swallowed and then said very quietly, "I... don't... _care_... Lily is gone."

"We'll continue this discussion later, Severus," Dumbledore said with an air of impatience. "In the mean time... I suggest you try to get some sleep."

"I loved her," Severus said in that same quiet voice. "And here you are telling me to just go take a nap..."

"I am sorry, Severus. I know you will grieve, but the sun is going to keep rising."

_But not in my world_, Severus thought as Dumbledore left the room. He was going to be stuck in the darkest night for the rest of his life.


End file.
